Niki Was Not Ok

Niki was not ok

She told us so on Facebook everyday 

Niki was in pain. Every morning, every evening, every day.

Physical pain like mine.

Mental pain all her own. Years of abuse and neglect and negative self talk.

Imbalanced chemicals for lopsided pain.

Niki was born in my year. Forever shy of 36 by 10 days.

Nikki was not ok.

Niki didn’t have my responsibilities, but she also didn’t have my support system. 

Niki tried to commit suicide until finally she died. No one will say how but if she was alive–I feel like she wouldn’t hide how she died. She’d say “I fucking committed suicide”

Niki didn’t believe in God or heaven or reincarnation.

I can’t respect her and wish that she Rest In Peace, although I wish peace for her every day.

Niki was not ok. 

But what could we do about it anyway?

(Sending love to everyone battling chronic pain, depression and mental illness)


Still trying to figure out the wordpress phone app. Sorry subscribers for that half-written post!

Family Like This

CN: Emotional abuse 
I think my mom’s bipolar. She was in a manic phase tonight. So sweet and nice like someone who didn’t tell me “fuck you” less than two months ago when I asked for help in a major emergency. 

Ever since I was a child I’ve been more scared of her when she’s nice than when she’s mean. When she’s nice she finds out things to use against me later in her depressed cycle. 
Any miss-step could set her off on a bad day–and I miss-stepped a lot!
But tonight she was nice. Tonight she acted like she cared. It almost felt real.

I’m On the Bloggess!

Kinda sorta. Scroll way, way down

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Ciara: Like a Boy

Photo by Montana USA

Up-And Coming Boston Hip Hop Artist Blu Nyle

A Stem combines aspects of high femme with those of a stud. Ciara in “Like a Boy” is a good example. I had the pleasure of watching Blu Nyle perform at Pure, and she is definitely a Stem. Don’t let that hair and make-up fool you, she is a stone stud on stage!

(Part of Justa Notha’s Lesbian Lexicon. See also High Femme, Lipstick Lesbian, Femme, Aggressive Femme, Tomboy, butch, Soft Butch and Stud)



Happy Naked Women in Thier Bras and Panties.

Femme is a very general term for a Lesbian who presents largely as female. She could be really girly, or just very womanly or just someone who looks female. Femmes are generally considered to be more receptive, although there is definitely a spectrum.

The straight world will take her for straight unless she festoons herself with lesbian symbology or goes out in public obviously with her girlfriend.

I’ve joked in the past that all the women with the cute butts end up as femmes, while the women with no ass turn into studs, but gender orientation is a state of mind.

(Part of Justa Notha’s Lesbian Lexicon. See also High Femme, Lipstick Lesbian, Aggressive Femme, Butch-Femme, Stem, Tomboy, Soft Butch, Butch and Stud)