Shades of White

Ren asks:

I know this is old, but I’m very curious about this topic. You grew up with significant exposure to predominantly black environments, so it makes sense, to me, that you like black men and/or black women. But I’ve been noticing more and more that many white lesbians are interested in black women, which is stunning to me because I thought white people were…racist (in the US)…and thought most of us are unattractive. And still think that, which is probably the reason why I am really struggling to understand the attention I get from white women and the reason why I’m pretty much always very suspicious of it.

I wouldn’t doubt it if you’ve experienced some suspicion, especially from black women. Black men usually just turn flips when a white woman is interested, but black women are hardly that simple. But considering that white women have never really seemed interested in even being friends with me as adults and almost never showed that interest while growing up, I can’t fit that and the experiences I had with white people growing up with the fact that probably 80% of the interest I get and have gotten all of my life has been from white women sexually/romantically, a little more than 10% has been from Asians (generally Indian women and usually not from the US, i.e. online) and less than 10% has been from black women. I mean, 10 years ago when I tried to chat with white lesbians online they didn’t want to talk to me 95% of the time, especially after finding out my race! Basically, I’m looking for plausible explanations as to 1) if these white women seriously are interested in/attracted to me, 2) if so, why, and 3) why don’t black women seem to be interested in me (because, honestly, I prefer black women).
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<br />I’m not asking you, but that’s how I got to this post. It’s very easy to find tons of articles and videos online about why white women like black men–there’s tons of focus on that. But you can’t find the same thing for lesbians, really, and what you do find is usually something like “race doesn’t matter,” “there are attractive black people, attractive white people, unattractive black people and unattractive white people,” and “I don’t know why I like black women, I just do” (i.e. your post). I don’t know–looks like I need to consider white lesbians since that’s who I attract in my country, but, at the same time, I don’t really want to start dating one and find out it’s all a huge joke, a big sex experiment, a fetish or they’re bringing me to the KKK for a hanging…sorry, but being real, and if you’ve seen Donald Trump and his supporters, you should understand, lol.

I know you’re “not asking” but you kind of are, so here’s my answer as best I can give it:

First of all, I see what’s going on with Trump and it’s terrifying. I’m writing this right now because I need a break from my FB and Twitter feeds.

Secondly: racism is a spectrum. Racism is so woven into the fabric of this country that everyone is racist to some degree, even if that racism is a form of self hate.

White women are also a spectrum. Now, we know 56% of white female voters voted for Trump. Let’s break that number down: 64% of the elligible voters in the country voted, and if we assume that half of them were women that puts the white woman Trump voters at 28% of the country. Still fucked up, but that’s a little perspective. (Hashtag #NotAllWhiteWomen)

Now, while it’s possible that these white women approaching you are white supremacist fetishists looking to tie you up and call you their “dirty negress”–it’s pretty unlikely. 

It’s much more likely that the white women expressing interest in you are on the left side of the spectrum. Probably somewhere between “I don’t see color” beige and “woker than you” white.

As to why are they attracted to you? Probably because you’re attractive. Why now and not before? I have no clue.

I spent a lot of years thinking that no one could be or was attracted to me–until one day I realized that almost everyone I’ve ever been attracted to reciprocated my feelings to some extent. I’m not saying everyone has a that experience (I’m certainly not attracted to everyone who’s expressed attraction to me) but attraction is weird, and many people are attracted to characterizes far different than the ideals the media feeds us.
So should you try dating a white woman? Only if you mean it. If a white woman approaches you who you genuinely find attractive and seems like a good person, then why not go for it? Could you get hurt? Absolutely. But isn’t potential hurt intrinsic to the beginning of any relationship?

Now I’m not saying that these white women wont ever say something ignorant, but chances are that that just by being interested in you they’ve self sorted to be someone who genuinely is trying to not be racist and has made it a good distance down that path.

As far as experiments go: won’t she be your experiment? Life is about experimentation. Some experiments are a success, some fail, but that doesn’t mean the intentions aren’t good.

Many of the black women I dated were at best experimenting with me, or at worst using me until they could find someone of their “own kind”. Ouch. That hurt! I still don’t regret trying though. 

As far as black men go. Maybe more conventionally attractive women get backflips, but most of the black men (my sweet late BF excluded RIP) who have dated or expressed an interest in me had a kind of entitled attitude that I owed them sex and money. The title of this blog arose from those moments when MOC I dated reduced my hurt feelings (at their bad behavior) and legitimate perspective to being “just another white woman.”

As far as fetishization goes–that’s kind of a hard one. Where exactly is the line? If I’m attracted to women with big foreheads and wide noses–is that a fetish? Or just a preference? 
I felt the most fetishized when a white trans man I was dating showed me a picture of his ex–and she looked almost identical to me. That was creepy!

So should you date a white woman?

If you want to? If you are genuinely attracted to her. If you can put aside your preconceptions. If you can be prepared to possibly have to do some educating. 

Who knows, the love of your life could be an amazing white woman and you’d never know it without exploring it!

Or not. I wouldn’t fault anyone for preferring to date black women. Y’all are so beautiful! I don’t know what the “scene” is like where you live, but there’s a small but vibrant black lesbian community here in Boston that I wish I could introduce you too!

As far as why BW aren’t expressing interest in you: maybe their shy? Maybe they’re waiting for you to make the first move or don’t think *you’re* interested?

TL; DR: if you’re interested in someone–regardless of race, give it a try! Go get em! No reward with out risk! 

End the Frame-war on Racism


If you ask most white people to define racism they’ll say it is racially based prejudice.

If you ask most people of color to define racism they would tell you that racism is hegemonic systemic white supremacy based on a formula of prejudice+ power.

So who’s right?

Drum-roll please….I’m about to give a brilliant definitive answer…

Both! Neither! It doesn’t matter!

Wait…where are you going? Stick around and let me explain.

First of all, English is a flexible language, and if enough people use a certain word in a certain way–that becomes a legitimate usage of the word!

For example: If enough people use the word literally to mean figuratively–boom! it literally means figuratively–and not in a figurative way.

I would argue that despite either conscious definition, most people use racism fairly fluidly between both definitions, with people “getting” which meaning is implied through context clues. There’s an excellent episode of Blackish (Season 1 Episode 10) that illustrates this nicely. (If you haven’t watched Blackish I highly recommend it!)

But regardless…or irregardless…my point is, that now that we know that both usages of the word are, we can stop frame battling over them, move past the argument of whether or not “black people can be racist.”

Since there is no Black Hegemonic Systematic Oppression, the important conversation is not whether the word racism includes white systemic hegemonic oppression, but what are we–all of us–going to do to make this world a fairer, freer egalitarian society with equality, liberty and justice for all?

What are we going to do to stop cops from killing unarmed kids? Or at least prosecute and jail them if they do? What are we doing to make our schoolrooms and our board rooms representational of the beautiful diversity of this country? What are we doing to acknowledge or privileges and challenge our prejudices?

White people: when you hear a POC say “Black people can’t be racist” just…let it slide. Even if you prefer the first definition–now you know the second one–replace racist with white supremacist in your head and see if you still want to argue  the point. I know, I know, I grind my teeth every time my 12 year old daughter says she “literally died” but you know what, it’s not a battle I can win, or that’s even worth fighting.

If you want to be part of the solution, and not part of the problem, you will accept this second understanding of the word racism, and move on to more constructive conversation.

POC: if you really want to argue with a WP who has just described being beaten up every day at their minority-majority school while being called whitey, latte and snow-bunny that that wasn’t racism–I mean, be my guest–but dismissing peoples lived experiences as just being mean or just prejudice is unlikely to win them over to your side or do much besides give you a headache or a smug feeling of being right.

Post Script: I explained all this to my Girlfriend: Her reaction: “But the first definition is right! It’s in the dictionary!”




Getting Though

A black friend on twitter has asked for help trying to “get through” to his white friend, who has expressed a number of troubling ideas that display blind white privilege at best, outright racism at worst.

After a number of people told him to she was a lazy racist who would never be a real friend, he still was looking for answers.

“What do you think I could say to make her understand? ” He asks.

This post is my response, since I couldn’t fit my thoughts into tweets:

First of all: there may not be anything that you can say to make her understand, understanding requires an open mind, and unless your friend is committed to opening her mind, it may not be possible for her to understand.

Your friend is actively engaging people of different races, and doesn’t understand why everything has to be “all about race.” Now I can’t think of a POC who would not like for everything to stop being all about race. Unfortunately, white people won’t let them. POC have responded by creating their own spaces where instead of being marginalized, their voices are honored and privileged.

Based on what I saw, your friend is one of the statistically few white people who has gone beyond the ubiquitous “black friend” and actually entered POC spaces. Once inside POC spaces she realized that within POC spaces, POC voices are privileged. Not only that, but that some POC made assumptions about her based on her race and may have been pretty mean about it. She has discovered what it feels like (within the narrow confines of POC dominated spaces) to be the minority, to feel silenced, denigrated, and (somewhat) oppressed.

Being the only white person in a POC space is an opportunity. An opportunity to learn what it actually feels like to not have your voice privileged, and sometimes an opportunity to see what it feels like to be on the other side of racial animosity. (Prejudice against the people oppressing you seems like a pretty natural reaction to me) But it’s just a shadow, a pale reflection of the white supremacy that POC face every day.

Your friend can leave POC spaces, and return to the white dominated spaces that take up the majority of the country. She can easily find white silos where she can speak as frankly and with as much racism as she likes.

Meanwhile, while your voice may be privileged in POC circles, but as soon as you step into the rest of White Supremacist America, it is not.

I would encourage your friend to take these feelings of silencing and racial persecution, and multiply them: multiply them by ten, by a hundred, by a million. Imagine the experiences she has had expanded beyond words and hurt feelings to include poverty, violence, death,  or the threat of all three.

By gaining entrance to POC spaces, with the concurrent mixture of welcome and antipathy, your friend has a wonderful opportunity–an opportunity for empathy. But only if she can use her imagination, opens her mind, and get over herself.



Two Women Kiss through a keyhole. A bloody hand in the foregropund

So, I’ve finally finished writing part 5 of “Meet DB” and I already know there will be a part 6 and part 7, maybe even a part 8. I’ve been threatening to password protect these posts as they get more explicit, but keep publishing them regularly anyways.

I feel torn.  On the one hand, I’m writing more explicitly and intimately than I have before, and a part of me wants to keep it semi-private. But a part of me also wants to keep it public, so that more people read it.

I’m fairly sure that even if I don’t protect part 5, I will protect part 6. What do you think? What’s too much information to have in such a public space? Where should the line be?

And what should my password be? (Email or DM me password ideas PLEASE!)

Liebster? But I Barely Know Her!

Liebster Award--shiny!

My twiiter-buddy Bren at Buzzcuts and Bustiers nominated me for a Liebster’s award! Thank you Bren! I didn’t do anything right away because I thought people have to vote for me and kept waiting to be approached by the “Liebster Commity. But no! Apparently it works a bit like a chain letter, like this:

The “Liebster Blog” award it given to up-and-coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers.  (“Liebster” is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, beloved, loveliest, cutest etc.)

The rules for the Liebster Award are:

1. Thank the giver and link back to her/him.
2. Reveal your top picks and leave a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Have faith that your followers will spread the love too!

I can do this! (I think–I have no idea how many followers my favorite blogs have, but I’ll hold off on nominating some of my fav more well-known blogs: The Bloggess, Card Carrying Lesbian, and Butchtastic.)

So, without further ado:

1) Butch Wonders A new blog that quickly became one of my fav–she’s currently writing her very moving “Coming Out Married” series. She writes about life, relationships, and of course, butch style!

2) South Carolina Boy The blog of an unnamed Transman in South Carolina–thoughtful, articulate, and always willing to go into lengthy responses in the comments sections!

3) Butch Enough A new blog by an author who is butch enough– but doesn’t write enough! 😛

4) Netrois Nonsense Maddox writes engagingly about being netrois/asexual, top surgery, and the lack on non-gendered pronouns in the Spanish language.

5) Stud With Swag I was drawn to this blog initially because Knowledge writes about interracial relationships from the other side, and I stayed with it for the sensual poetry, politics and unflinching self-reflection.

Honorary Mention 6) Hot! Damn! Femme! I’m hoping that nominating this blog will encourage this wayward Femme to post more often!

Okay, that was six–I’m bad at following rules!  I’ve barely scratched the surface of all the blogs that I like with this post. Please, browse my links for more!

Refund Reward

Rainbow Dildo

Decisions, Decisions

So, i just got my check back from Uncle Sam, and after I pay off my credit card, library fines and back rent, I just miiight have some extra for a lil sumpin’ sump’

I let my fingers do the walking on Babeland–but how to choose? (Note, I do not have any connection to Babeland whatsoever, but if anyone wants to send me free sex toys to review, I will happily give my honest opinion…hint hint…;-)

My first thought was: vibrator. I realised recently that my toy box has become the place that I store my batteries. I’m cheap, and all my vibrators are cheap/boring/broken. Maybe I just need a really good, high quality one?

I found some pretty interesting options:

This one looks a little wacky

wheel of rotating fake tongues--I'm not kidding, that's really what this is!

Hmm…not really what I have in mind…

This one is beautiful…but…IDK…pricey…

Vibrator that looks like a cross between a flower and a pacifier

looks like a cross between a flower and a pacifier

Maybe something more traditional like a rabbit?

beautiful stylized rabbit

rechargable, beautiful, pricey

rabbit habbit vibrator

Classic...I guess..

I had a rabbit before, but the cleaning fluid didn’t work as advertised and I got a yeast infection. Maybe that’s when I stopped using sex toys…?

Perhaps something more like this…

Hot pink U-shaped dildo/vibrator for clit & g-spot stimulation

This could save me some hand strain...

I’m a little nervous about the care and cleaning of sex toys. How do you sterilize something that may not be waterproof and is electronic? My friend cleans her dildos in the dishwasher, but even if my toys were dishwasher friendly, it’s hard to imagine my mom being all that excited about penises in with the dishes…

What I really want is a strap-on.

I’m not going to get into everything that’s behind that desire…but I’ve been wanting one for a while. I think I’ve found the strap that I’d like, but I don’ know what to put in it. I know some women like me like something large, but some women barely like anything at all, and some might like g-spot curved ones. That really seems like something a couple should choose together. I wish I was steady enough with the woman that I’ve been dating to ask her, but she barely has time for me, and I don’t feel like we’re there yet.

I don’t know, though, maybe if I just buy something, say, this:

Strap On head on

Reccomended Strap Kit

Maybe, if I buy it, she will come…or I will…

What do you think? Any advice?

10 Rules For White People Who Hang Out With Black People


If you are already a white person who hangs out with black people you probably already know these rules–and when and how to break them. If you’re just starting to hang out with black people, or are wondering about those strange looks your black friends, colleagues and associates sometimes give you–you might want to brush up on the “rules.”

  1. Never use the N-Word. I shouldn’t have to say this, but apparently I do. Don’t say it in public. Don’t say it in private, don’t say it in your head. Just don’t say it! I don’t care how many times Tupac or the Young Money crew drop it, pretend you’re a radio and censor it out. (I substitute playa sometimes in songs where ‘man’ or ‘asshole’ is really what they mean.) I don’t care how many times your black friends say it–you don’t use that word! When they say it they are empowering themselves by reclaiming a word that that has been used to cause suffering and degradation. When you say it you’re being a racist asshole. (And if your white friends say it, please try to educate them–if they don’t wanna listen, consider some different friends)
  2. Don’t say words like the N-Word. No it’s not okay if you say it with an “a”. Don’t say Snoop-like words like fo-shizzle. You think you’re sounding cool. They think that you’re finding a sneaky way to say the N-Word. On the same tip, my friend Digger watched his buddy get beat-up by a group of black guys after yelling out “Hey Digger” on the wrong street. (And yes he watched, that 98 lb white boy didn’t have a chance against all those dudes!)
  3. Don’t try to “act black” Unless you’re in a gang don’t throw gang signs or imitate the folks you see on TV.  Don’t have “gangsta” themed frat parties. Don’t try to dance like you see on the music videos–when you ain’t got no rhythm. Just find the beat. (Please? For me? Do you have any idea how hard it is to dance in a room full of no-rhythm white folks tryina’ throw down?)  Now I’m not saying all black folk can dance, ’cause that’s a myth just like the one about all black men having big dicks–just more of them can. You can too, just relax into the beat and find your own moves.
  4. Don’t try to “talk black” I’d say more on this one, but I probably break the “talking black” rule more than any others–you can only talk extensively with black people for so long before you start to pick up black English. I often have POC (People of Color) stare at me perplexedly and ask if I’m from the south–Actually, I guess that’s okay if it happens naturally, it’s the “try” part that’ll mess you up.
  5. Don’t try to “dress black.” For god’s sake pull your pants up! (Okay, that goes for everyone of every color. Please–I do not need to see your drawers unless we’re getting freaky!) As far as clothing goes, Hip Hop is so universal these days that you can definitely work that flavor into your gear, just don’t go over the top with it. Also, hair: please, no white girl dredds or cornrows! (Unless you’re a hippy, in which case, go ahead and do dredlocks–just be aware that if you go to Jamaica you might get your ass kicked!)
  6. Do not call black people “articulate” No matter how loquacious and eloquent the speaker is, don’t pay them this particular “complement.” You think you’re saying: “Wow, have an amazing way with words”, or, “Obama, you make George Bush look like a gibbering idiot.” They hear: “You talk perty good for a darky.” And really, they might be on to something. Do you ever pay this particular complement to white people? If you feel in awe of a POC’s way with words, try saying something like “I really liked the way you said XYZ–I never would have thought to put it that way.” That shows not only an appreciation for the speaker’s turn of phrase, but engages with the topic they were discussing.
  7. Don’t ask your black friends to use the back door. Not even if you ask everyone else including your Mama and Baby-mama  to do it! Black people have spent centuries having to go in through the back and they deserve red-carpet treatment now. (Um. I guess unless you’re getting freaky?)
  8. Don’t ask your black friend to dress up like a Gorilla Okay, really I can’t believe that I have to say this one, but a dear friend of mine  was pressured into donning a Gorilla suit for a play by friends, who were apparently unaware or uncaring of the history of white people making comparisons of black people to gorillas, apes and monkeys. Similarly, some black folk might not be too keen on monkey toys for their kids.
  9. Know Your History. Did you even pay attention in school? Read and learn as much as you can about the history of slavery and racism in this country. There’s a wealth of knowledge out there from PBS documentaries–to books on Harriet Tubman and Malcolm X, to fiction–like the works of Bebe Moore Campel and Alice Walker. (Not an exhaustive list at all–that’s just off the top of my head–but you have the internet, I’m sure you can find plenty to give you a better perspective on where African Americans are coming from–and maybe learn a little about yourself in the process.)
  10. Follow the Golden Rule. If you don’t follow any other rules in this list, follow this one. Do your best to treat all people with respect and consideration.

Any questions?