Valentines–Gay as You Need it to Be

Conversation I’ve been having in response to Valentine’s is So Gay. This is an except:

While everyone is plagued by the need to find that “special someone,” I’ve found that it poses a particularly difficult problem for those outside the heterosexual playing field.  While it’s impossible to get an exact number, most people estimate that only between 5 and 10 percent of the population is gay, so that cute girl or guy you see walking down the street is most likely straight.  Good news for straight people!

But for that other 10 percent, the prospect of asking a stranger out on a date is far more daunting.  We’re plagued by the same questions as everyone else:  What if I’m not her type? and What if he’s already in a relationship?

But on top of all that, we have to ask ourselves another question:  What if they’re not gay?

The chances of being rejected seem to multiply tenfold when you throw that question into the equation


Hun, you are so looking at this the wrong way! It may be true that only 5-10% of women are 100% gold-star-never-kissed-a-boy lesbians, but I would say that about 40%-50% of women (if not more) fall somewhere in the Bi-to-Lesbian spectrum.

I never worry about whether a woman is gay–if I’m interested in her I just assume that maybe she is, and flirt a little. If she flirts back we can take it from there.

You can also stack the deck by going to lesbian clubs, meet-ups, poetry readings, etc…

So the next time you see a woman you’re interested in–smile! Just give her that “extra” smile. If she smiles back, she might like you:-)

I’ve been surprised over the years by how many of the people I’ve liked liked me back–I bet you would be too!

So then she’s like:

You say 40-50%, but where are you getting that statistic? I really disagree; at the most, I’d be willing to concede that maybe 20-30% of women would fall into the category you’re describing. I can’t include women who make out with other women when drunk in that category–I’m talking about women who might actually have a legitimate, long-term, romantic relationship with another woman.

Also, yes, going to lesbian clubs and events DOES up the ante–but you have to keep in mind that those kinds of events are NOT always easy to find. You really have to make an effort to uncover those sorts of things, especially if you don’t live in a major metropolitan area. I live in NJ, right between Philadelphia and New York City–and I STILL often have trouble finding places to go. And speaking from recent experience, if you are under 21, it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to find any sort of lesbian event you can attend in this area (I turned 21 last September, and before that spent months upon months trying to find a single lesbian event I could attend–NOTHING).

Nonetheless, thanks for your input. It does open up the other side of the argument and give me something to think about. ;)

And I’m all:

I base that number on the Kinsey Scale It shows sexuality as a balanced spectrum. Where do yo get 5%? I’ve always heard at least 10%

I can see where you’re coming from on scarcity–right now a lot of the bi and lesbian girls around you are still questioning or closeted. Ten years from now I’ll bet you’ll be surprised by all the lesbian you thought were straight.

Case in point: speed dating Saturday night I met a woman who was a grade ahead of me in High School. I told her I was in the GSA, and she said she used to walk by and fantasize about going in–but then she told herself that was not for her and walked on by.

Of course I’m extremely lucky right now, and work in an office full of Gays and Lesbians, but even the “straight” ones sometimes flirt with me. I don’t know if it’s Massachusetts or what, but I just feel like lesbians are crawling out of the wood works here!

I feel you on having to search out events. There’s never enough events for us to go to. Thank god you turned 21, right? At least as a single person I imagine you can go out early. Have you tried any of the local Meet-ups?

There are some really great youth GSA, BAGLY, type organizations. I know don’t know if you’re too old for them now, but I bet you could find one in your area. When I came out at 14. I really felt supported, and it was a great way to meet other gay girls. I was in the Gay Straight Alliance in school and the Governor’s Commission of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Youth, which organized a march of more than a thousand queer teens to March through Boston.

Of course no one likes “I only kiss girls while drunk” girl, especially not when she’s “I only kiss girls while drunk–in front of my boyfriend” girl.(ahem)

But just because a woman has had serious relationships with a man, doesn’t mean she can’t also have a serious relationship with a woman. It just depends on the person.

You never know with a woman, even if she’s never been with a woman before, that doesn’t mean she can’t now. I pulled my last girl out of the closet she’d been in for 32 years, and she was all about women after that.

I hope that what this gives you is a little hope. As you develop your gaydar I think that you will see attractive (and unattractive) woman-loving women all around you, way more than you know.

Then it’s up to you what to do about it. I’m still trying to figure that one out.


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