The Reluctant Femme

If I was to write a blog with a less confrontational name, I would call it “The Reluctant Femme.”

I’ve never felt such pressure to be feminine since I’ve been actively engaging in the lesbian communities. I know I bring a lot of this on myself, since I seem to be attracted to bois, tombois, and–my favorite–studs. I’m attracted to women right up to the razors-edge of Trans. (I don’t think I’d want to date a woman who was actively trying to turn herself into a man. I support his right to do it, but I think that the chemical and physical alterations would turn me off.)

Of course, I’m also attracted to femmes. But the thing is, I can pull both dressed as a femme, and I can only pull femmes as a butch.  (And I don’t think I would be attracted to the kind of butch who likes other butches.)

I’ve been having dramatic gender-identity swings: I feel like a femme to a butch and a butch to a femme. But I do have a preference for butch women, and they want femmes!

I keep being told I’m a femme, and  I dress very femme when I go out to the club…but then the next day I wear my baggiest jeans, boots, a big T and chain. I’m a big woman with broad shoulders, and never learned the lady-like thing all that well, so trying to be femme can actually be harder than being butch…but I don’t yet know which side I’ll end up coming down on. If I come down…

After one of my “boi day’s” as I call them–which happen about once a week–I’m tired of the hostile looks from other butches (hilariously, the butch at my office practically hisses at me like a cat guarding her territory when I dress butch, but is totally friendly when I’m dressed femme) and some men–tired of, I don’t know–the type of energy I’m putting out…and I settle back into my normal girl jeans, blouse and necklace–my  low-key femme thing.

I can’t help it if I like auto mechanics and knitting

Fixing computers and fixing dinner.

That I worked for years as an adult to teach myself how to apply make-up–only to have my date ask why I don’t wear any!

The closest thing I had to a successful relationship was a totally non-sexual arrangement I had with a male friend of mine: he cooked and cleaned and took care of my kids, and I went to school and worked, paid the bills and shopped.

Which makes me think I should cut my hair and find a nice femme to settle down with.

And then I see a sexy stud across the room, and just want to giggle and twirl my hair.


  1. I sort of know the feeling. I’m definitely femme by other people’s standards. . . but I don’t always feel femme. I’m not much of a make-up wearer, but I do love my sexy high heels. :/ And usually, I’m attracted to more masculine women, so at that point I feel like I need to be femme. . . but when I think of myself in terms of other girls, who come off as more submissive, I always feel like the femme label just doesn’t sit right.

    Love your blog, by the way. I was reading some of your older posts and I like your style. 🙂

    • I’m glad you like it! I don’t wear heels ’cause I’m 5’8″ and tell me why I always end up dancing with 5′ tall women? Plus I ’bout gave up on painting my face…but OMG I like those butch women! I was out tonight and there were some F.I.N.E. brown skinned studs! Mmmm! I just wish I wasn’t so shy…anyways, I’m buggin…keep reading and thanks! 🙂

      • Luckily, I’m only 5’2″. Haha. But my first girlfriend still made me take my heels off at prom. . . she was only about an inch taller than me, so the shoes made me taller. She hated it. xD

      • I don’t mind shorter women…there’s something very sexy about a woman who’s just tall enough to press her face into my ample bosom. (see my Valentines day post lol) My main issue is that I have bad knees and always end up dancing low–and if she’s getting low that means I’m getting really, really low! Oh, and short studs who want to kiss me but won’t take their hats off–but I don’t think I need to mess with a woman like that anyways.

      • Neither do I! Shorter women are no problem for me; the problem is really more their own insecurities about it, in my opinion. But it could just be that my experiences are with people who are 20 or younger–my guess is that maybe an older woman would be more secure about it.

  2. Perhaps you are neither Femme or Butch but both. That is what it sounds like to me, anyway. I am Femme. I’ve never been attracted to other Femmes. I have been sexual with other Femmes a couple of times. Each of those times were friends with benefits situations. We had fun, and it was nice, but that was it, nice, not hot and I wasn’t as fully engaged as I am with a Butch.

    There are times when I am dressed down in jeans, a T-shirt and no makeup, or very minimal makeup. There are times when I’m using power tools, digging holes and planting trees in my yard, putting in new light fixtures, and other activities that are similar. I am a strong and competent woman with many skills. Very geeky, very tech oriented in some ways. But through it all I am Femme. It isn’t about what I am wearing or what I am doing, it isn’t a role I play, or an attitude I adapt only at certain times. I am Femme always because it just comes from deep inside of myself and always has.

    Now, I’ve known other lesbians, who like yourself, are very flexible and fluid in their female beingness. Sometimes running much more feminine energy and sometimes running more female masculine energy. Some have been partnered with Butches and some with lesbians who are more femme, and some with lesbians who are rather andro. Some have been single. What they had in common was that they’d each come to realize that their way of rocking it as lesbians was their own way. Didn’t matter what anyone else thought. If someone else had a problem, it was that other person’s problem, not theirs.

    I think it is by the quiet listening to our own inside voice that we come to be comfortable within ourselves, no matter how we rock it. At least that has been my experience. Blessings to you on your journey to wholeness and self validation.

    • Thanks, I appreciate your input and story. Welcome fellow femme techie:-)

      One of the reasons I have this blog is so that I can work through some of these issues with myself. I’ve never been someone to be only one thing, but always find myself straddling the line. I know that it’s not all about the clothes you wear (that’s just easier to talk about), it is somewhat about the roles you play, but is mostly about the energy that you feel inside.

      I’d like to say that I didn’t care what other people think, but I do, especially the opinion of someone I’m interested in.

      I find the fluidity, and non-integrated nature of my gender identity to be confusing and unsettling at times, but at other times I’m totally comfortable with it. I think it will work out with time, or maybe when I have a steady girlfriend I’ll gravitate more regularly to one side of the spectrum or the other to complement her.

      Blessings back! )0(

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s