Bad Example

So my  new friends over at Charred Ice linked to my page with this sentence:  “Still, the consistent  asides of attraction to Black men and women and the subsequent unconscious? stereotypical non-sequiturs about them have given me pause more than once.” It was in the context of commenting on this Article. (Recursive enough for you? I think I’m confused. lol) I’m definitely going to think some more on this feedback. I don’t think that I have a stereotypical view of black men or women–but I often feel like they have a stereotypical view of me.

It’s true that I would not say a lot of the things I have written in this blog out loud. Maybe don’t even believe some of them past the passion that I feel in the moment I’m typing. I use a broad and often deliberately provocative brush to paint my word pictures–mostly because  the rest of my life I’m trying so hard to fit in and not offend. Often trying to fit in with groups that are not necessarily welcoming and with people who project their own stereotypes onto me: I’m Jewish, white and live in a “good” neighborhood–therefore they think I’m I’m rich, privileged, spoiled. When in fact I’m a broke single mom living in my Mom’s basement.

I guess that while I’m not over-joyed at being held up as an example of bad behavior, any publicity is good publicity? I’m just thankful that Forever Femme is able to move past her ‘pause’ and read my blog for what I’m trying to say, rather than the clumsy and obnoxious way it sometimes comes out. I really appreciate the supportiveness of the comments she’s made, and will give my asides some serious thought. Sometimes while I want people to read my blog, I forget that they actually do. And that just as other people’s judgments have the power to hurt me, my words have the same power.

So anyways….

This was what I wrote in response:

I appreciate your calling me a friend, and I apologize if my words offend. Over the years I’ve had to always work so hard to censor my tongue against the many verbal land-mines of inter-racial relationships. My blog is a space I allow myself to be obnoxious. I’m not sure which part exactly offended you–the fact that I date outside my race? The broke thing? All the white folks I dated were broke too.  I brought that up to point out that I do not date for status. (But I can see how offensive it comes across if you do not know where I’m coming from. Sorry.)

I don’t know why I’m attracted to black women and sometimes black men.  Lord knows it’s not easy. I know I get a lot of hate for it; from black women glaring at me as we shop in stores to pretty much every inter-racial relationship I’ve had ending with them putting me down for being white. (My ex girl Jen just kinda peppered ignorant racist comments throughout.)

The book your talking about does sound pretty disgusting. Can you imagine if a man wrote a book like that about women?  I am not interested in collecting trophies or proving or dispelling myths. And the ‘dominant culture’ for me often feels like black culture since almost all of my friends are black.

My guide for dating outside your race would be short and sweet: try to treat other people the way you want to be treated. But I’m terrible one for advice on relationships. If I wasn’t maybe I’d find someone who followed mine.

But I guess I can have some compassion for her in writing out her experiences. At least she has some courage to explore outside her comfort zone. Sometimes you just have to be rude and obnoxious and politically incorrect–just to deal with all of the mixed signals society sends you. All the mixed up and hurtful experiences that life throws at you when you live outside societies expectations. Or at least, sometimes I do. (Of course no one’s offering me a book deal lol.)


  1. Your’s is a (an?) unique voice I’ve come to enjoy and will continue to appreciate. I really hope that I’ve turned others on to your blog with this small dialogue.

    I’d write more but this is the first time in days my computer has turned on correctly and I don’t know how long it’ll last. Suffice it to say, I’m glad we “talked”…and we have got to find you a stud that loves and accepts Just Anotha as is. 😉

    • Thanks sweetie I did get a spike there for a couple days. Definitely open to further dialog. I’ll accept the right femme too. Or butch femme…not that picky. She just gotta have a good heart.

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