I rarely talk about my work. (Although I think I’ll do a post on it soon, it’s the queerest place I’ve ever worked at.) Mostly because it’s not that interesting. I do incredibly dull temp work for a software development company.
So I had this problem at work: I drink a lot of water, and, as a consequence, I have to go to the bathroom a lot. Lately it’s been a lot-a lot. Not only that, but I’d go to the bathroom only to not be able to pee very much. This has lowered my productivity. (And is hurting my chances of getting hired full time–I’d rather be bored than homeless with two kids) I’ve been feeling incredibly guilty about all my bathroom trips, mostly because I enjoy them: I get to get away from my desk and could make forbidden text messages and check my email and facebook on my cell. (There’s a strict no cell phone policy at my work.)
So I felt like this was a personal failing. Like I was making myself drink so much water, making myself go to the bathroom so often, and making myself stay in the bathroom longer than necessary. Until the day before yesterday: as I sat miserably at my desk, feeling lousy and achy all over for no apparent reason, when I felt a burning sensation in the place where no one ever wants to feel such a bad feeling.
Suddenly, putting that together with my other symptoms, I realized I had a Urinary Tract Infection! I went to the clinic that night, and they confirmed it and proscribed some antibiotics.
So–ew–why am I telling you this? Because I’m a dirty bitch who likes to over-share? Well, yes, but that’s not the point. The point is that I had a problem. As long as I blamed myself for the problem I was unable to see it clearly and find a rational solution. As soon as I stopped blaming myself and paid attention, I realized how ridiculous it was to feel guilty about going to the bathroom. I’m not all the way better yet, and I must have gone to the bathroom like 10 times at work today. But I although I felt a little self conscious, I felt so much lighter! it felt like a weight of shame had been lifted off of me.
This got me thinking: what other things in my life do I blame myself for that maybe aren’t my fault? What will it take for me to stop blaming myself for things that aren’t really my fault, and start implementing real solutions?
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