The End of Jen

This is the last I will write about Jen (please Goddess!). My New Years resolution is to stop thinking about old ex-girlfriends and start making new ones! (Just kidding…kinda…read on)

So after I put my clothes on, I was pretty mad and fighting tears, but I calmed down and we did talk. I expressed how hurt I was, both by her distance and then the whole using me for sex thing, and she told me how she thought I just wanted sex and tried to move too fast for her.

She says she’s conflicted about her sexuality, although I don’t understand why that’s an issue now if it wasn’t two years ago, or the whole time she was dating this other chick, or when she cheated on the other chick with me. She says it’s because now her mom knows. (Her Mom does NOT approve.)

She asked me not to totally cut her out of my life, which is what I’ve tried to do every other time we’ve tried and failed. I agreed, but told her I would not be seeing much of her.

The next day she texted me that she was thinking of me, she loved our conversation, etc…but I had been crying off and on all morning. I texted her back telling her I need some space. She tried to push it, but I remained firm. Eventually I stopped answering her and she stopped trying. (Her version of trying involved guilt-trip texts and calling from blocked numbers.)

It’s true I do care for her, maybe even love her. But it’s like she has two personalities: one is thoughtful and loving. The other is a trickster child who lashes out at me. She’s really hurt me before, but somehow last night just hurt deeper.

I think that a part of me did think I just wanted her for sex, but when she asked me for more, asked me to open myself up to her, I did.

It seems so unlikely that Ill find anyone while I’m raising my kids. I’ve been trying to be hard and pretend like all I want is to play around.  Tried to convince myself I can really wait until another 8-10 years until my kids are grown to find someone with whom I just fit, someone I can make a life with.

But if that was true I wouldn’t have been so ready to get back together with her or so devastated by her treatment of me.

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