Psychological Dick

I wanted to repost a comment from LoveShackBaby so that I can respond to it in my blog rather than letting it be buried in the comments:

I definitely believe that Dick is a psychological construct. You know how women talk dirty to one another and might refer to different “attachments” as cock, dick, etc? Yea, that turns some of us on and it’s all in our heads. The butcher types really like it, too.
I had a really hard time with my (transgender) husband because he was always keeping the girl bits covered. I wasn’t sure how to proceed or reconcile myself with not being able to do the “girl” things. We were able to get past it enough for me to be able to touch him in the lower area but never the chest.
Good Luck figuring your girl out. :)

(First of all, I read butcher as someone with a meat cleaver–so that confused me until I realized she meant more-butch lol)

Sadly the two of us are not “together” or whatever that was anymore…that melted down at the same time as I fell back in lust with my ex. She muttered something confused over the phone about how she thought I was too obsessed with her and she needed a break. I don’t know if she’s sleeping with someone else, got tired of me, or what. Whatever.

But I somehow didn’t have a problem understanding her in that way–more understanding my response to her. Even now when I think about her: she has no ass, man-titts, not pretty in the face. What the hell did I see in her? And why do I still want her? No, I do know: it’s her energy.

I just accepted her as she is. I felt like I was already somehow familiar with her type. I guess she is trans–or right on the edge. Maybe from books or–I don’t know–osmosis. She does have some kind of crazy mojo between her legs, and part of the magic for some reason is my not seeing or touching it. (She had no problem with my touching her titts.) I can’t explain it any better than that, but there it is. If I was going to be with her, there was no “working past it” that’s just how she is.

Even so, I could never be in a serious relationship with her for a whole host of reasons, generally summed up by the words “asshole,” “player” and “pathological liar.” But even if we got along great, I don’t think I could really handle being with someone long term who only served and wouldn’t let me reciprocate. I think that’s why I started lusting after my ex again. She was very passive and I usually ended up frustrated–but at least she let me go down on her when we were lovers. And she was soft and sweet in bed…not hard and aggressive. Don’t get me wrong, I like aggressive…I just like both.

I guess I thought that if I could be with one woman and give to her, and another and take, it would almost be like being with one woman who gave and took. But that did not work out. Karma’s a bitch.

I totally deserve to be back to celibacy square one. I know that both women lied to me, and I guess that I lied to them by omission, although they both knew about the other.  But what the hell was I thinking? I should hold out for someone who’s the whole package: give and take, someone who treats me decently. And despite my attempt at playing, I do try to treat the person I’m with, and my friends in general well. I make them chicken soup when they are sick, babysit if they are in a jam, and do other things to show I care and am there when they need it. I don’t like lies, arguments and games. I’m better off without the drama they both brought to my life.

So why do I feel like I have a hole in my heart?

4 Comments

  1. I really should have typed more butch.. definitely sounds better than butcher! lol. 🙂

    I think that mixed feelings are normal and desiring to pleasure someone that you care about is the norm. It’s a hard bump in the road when you get to receive but can’t reciprocate. i mean, how does one perfect their skills if they can’t practice 😉

    • I know right?

  2. This is the greatest topic I read this week!?

    • Is that a question or a statement? either way, you’re welcome. 😛


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