My butch side is not well integrated into my personality. She’s like a dolphin swimming in a sea of femme. One minute I feel all woman–and then she rises up and fills me and–boom–I feel like a man. Then she sinks down and I’m back to being a girl again.
Times I feel especially butch:
- At all white straight parties. Nothing turns me into “one of the guys” faster than being surrounded by cute girls and ugly men.
- On the job. Up until recently most of my work had a strong technical and physical component–actually, I think it’s stupid that such work is gendered–most of the time I just felt like me doing it. It’s other people who thought I was “acting male.” The only time I feel butch on the job is when I’m showing off how strong I am for a woman. Also, I learned the trick of acting like something’s not heavy–even when it is!
- When I’m at the club surrounded by white butches–they feel like competition.
- Every so often when I’m talking to my latest lover my butch side peaks out–maybe because she’s so butch it feels safe? It’s not good though–she likes femmes.
- When I’m attracted to a very feminine woman.
- Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see a man, like, lurking under my skin.
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