Lost in Space

I just spent the last couple hours driving aimlessly down the highway listening to jazz and nursing a broken heart. Well, kinda broken. Feelings of hurt and loss simmered in an uneven gumbo of respect and pride. Not pride in my actions, but pride in my ex girlfriend Jen’s. You see, in the time between when we broke up and when we fell back together, she had acquired a girlfriend, so making love to me was especially naughty..

I have this weird cognitive dissonance whereby as her friend, I think we should break it off, and am actually proud of her for cutting the cord that I was not able to break completely, but as her lover I just want to take her in my arms, kiss her sweet lips, caress every inch of her skin…

I thought to myself today that things would soon be “wrapped up” between us, but that did not make it easier when it came. I had been looking forward to seeing her all week. I had even been calling her, texting her. She texted me to tell me she was thinking of me, looking forward to seeing me.

I got lost on the way to her house. I should have seen it as a sign. There’s me, going left, right..getting lost…

Tonight an Ice princess opened the door to her apartment. Gone was Jen the with the slightly butch cornrows, blue jewel-toned tank top (no bra) that made herĀ  skin glow, the smoldering eyes… The Jen who lay next to me trading longing gazes and then tender kisses. Who I kissed from head to toe, lingering long on her lovely labia.Who I spent hours wrapped up in conversation with, sharing dreams and aspirations.

Clad in white from head to toe the warm tones of her skin were the only relief for my eyes against the stark white walls. White towel wrapped around her head. White laundry in a pile on the table.

A single tear ran down her cheek as she said goodbye. She felt so far away. Like she was farther away sitting across the room than she had been in the last few years.

I think she had to rekindle things with me so that she could break up with me instead of the other way around.

I feel so old and mature tonight. But mostly sad.

And Damn. Did she really need to make me drive 40 min each way after a long day of work to break up with me? She has a phone!

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