Nice Guy Syndrome/What’s Wrong with the Friend Zone?

So my hair always really stands on end when I hear guys complaining about how they get rejected for being “too nice.”

My first thought is always: are you really all that nice? Are you really acting nice to this girl that you’re interested in (often guys can be quite obnoxious as they pursue a girl.) How do you treat your other friends? How would you treat her if you weren’t trying to get in her pants?  Or if she were ugly to you?

I once had a group of his friend try to explain that a guy I was interested in was really an asshole. For other reasons we didn’t end up dating, and a few months later when he got over his crush on me I realized they were right: he really was an asshole.

That aside, I understand why guys don’t like being told this. They hear the subtext. The woman isn’t really saying he’s too nice. She’s saying that while she may be mentally and emotionally attracted to him, he doesn’t turn her on. This does not mean that he is objectively ugly, necessarily, just that he doesn’t match up to some hard-wired impulse that everyone has that tells her he’s attractive.

Ideally, a woman want’s to find a guy who is both hot and nice (by her own non-objective standards). Unless she is stuck in bad patterns–but that’s for another post.

Then there’s the friend zone: if you’re stuck with a crush on someone who sees you as just a friend, it probably means one thing: he or she is just not attracted to you! Either that or you’re both too chickenshit to act on your feelings. Either way–so what?

Yeah, I said it: so what? I have huge crushes on a number of my friends, and I never, ever plan on acting on it. It’s ok. I like the friend zone! I savor those qualities that make me attracted to a person, my feeling for them add an extra spice to our friendship! But I know, somewhere inside that even if that person were attracted to me (and I’ve been shocked over the years to learn that almost everyone I’m attracted to is also attracted to me), and we tried to make a go of it, there is a very good chance it wouldn’t work out. Then I would loose my friend and our friendship! Much better to enjoy what we have for what it is, rather than constantly trying to make it something that it’s not.

So guys: really be a nice guy. Be kind to all of your friends. And chances are you’ll find a woman who thinks you are both nice and hot.

(And if you don’t, you’ll have a lot more fun enjoying your friends then moping by yourself.)

1 Comment

  1. I love this post. I just had a conversation with a great guy friend the other day that touched on this. I told him he was a ‘good guy’, and his response was, “That’s like saying I’ll never be boyfriend material.” He is so waaay off.

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