A woman that I would have liked to consider my friend tried to console me for loosing my beloved by telling me: “You’ll find someone else.” That phrase has been bugging the hell out of me ever since. How would she feel if her Wife died? Maybe someone should tell her that! Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else! Like people are just disposable, replaceable things. (Oh, that’s just me. She wanted him to dispose of me and “find someone else.”)
Oh sure, no problem. I’m sure I’ll find another handsome intelligent plus-sized pagan black man who shares my lefty politics, love of music, art, science fiction and dirty jokes. Oh yes, I’m sure I’ll find someone else who listens so thoughtfully and loves me so unconditionally–who balances male and female so perfectly–who’s arms hold me so completely–whose kiss is the platonic ideal of kisses. The first time we kissed it was like every other kiss was a worn copy, like it was that kiss that you always have in your head that you will find, but no kiss quite lives up to. And finally, someone who pleasures my body so skillful and enthusiastically, and receives so intently.
If I could “find someone else” don’t you think I would have? If he wasn’t so one of a kind, do you think I would have loved him and wanted him even though he lived so far away? Even as I realized that his focus was more on music than on me? Even though he was broke, had health problems and kept his house so dirty I threw up when I opened his refrigerator and my daughter cried when she went into his bathroom?
Ok. After we “broke up” I tried dating. I tried to “find someone else.” But my thoughts kept circling back to him like a buzzard to highway roadkill. Even as I pondered moving in with my girlfriend–all I wanted was to be with him, spend more time with him.
The other night as I woke up I thought I heard him say “I want to spend more time with you.” It was so real–his voice in a way that people’s voices never are in my head.
Eventually I’ll go back to filling this blogg witty anecdotes and political ravings. Until then I just have some things to work out here.
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